Th' Rednek Saga
by King Doom
Summary: My first story, now completely in Redneck. For no valid reason what so ever. Updated! More rednek gibberish! YEEHAW!
1. Helter-skelter wif th' wolves, but doesn...

Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper one  
  
Helter-skelter wif th' wolves, but doesn't smell like possum.  
  
  
  
Jean c'dn't believe whut was happenin', whut Oro'oe was doin'! Fry mah hide! This hyar sh'dn't be happenin'! Fry mah hide! She was married up wif t'Ole Jeb! Fry mah hide! All this hyar an' ev'ry other protess in her mind died as Sto'm slid her han' slowly down  
  
Okay, now ah's sho'nuff ah have yer attenshun, it's time fo' the  
  
  
  
Disclaimers-  
  
Roun' up th' usual suspecks: ah own none of th' follerin'. 'Cepp fo' Cal, ah reckon. Th' chareeckers an' situashuns all belong t'someone else. As a matter of fack, ah's not real, eifer. ah's a psychic intity created an' sestained by three magic goldfish, junetically created remnants of th' cold war, currently hidin' in a secret unnergroun' bunker in Uzbekistan, as enny fool kin plainly see. Pansy me now! Fry mah hide!  
  
This hyar c'd be th' beginnin' of a right purdy friendship: On account o' ah doesn't make enny money outta this, an' is gittin' only ego gratificashun, please feel free t'archive this. But do please tell me 'bout it. In a review mebbe? (Hint Hint)  
  
Th' problems of two li'l varmints doesn't amount t'a hill of beans in this hyar crazy mixed up wo'ld: But ah's ratin' it PG jest t'be safe.  
  
ah seem t'have gotten a li'l turned aroun' hyar. WHERE ARE WE! Fry mah hide!?! Fry mah hide!: They isn't sho'nuff when this hyar took place eifer, but ah massively altered th' time line usin' mah autho' powers ennyway.  
  
ah's shocked, shocked, t'find gamblin' gwine on hyar: At least thar is no real spoilers. Wal okay probably some old ones.  
  
  
  
  
  
Noo Yawk.  
  
Like th' song says it's a helluva town, as enny fool kin plainly see. Right at thet point, it was rainin'. Reckons. Ennyway, ah was trudgin' through th' emppy streets, tryin' to igno'e th' giant Roaches thet scuttled fo' covah as ah kicked through th' drif's of sodden noospapers an' decayin' rubbish linin' th' street. ah idly tracked a roach as it scuttled into an alley. An indistinck shape detached fum th' shadows an' then disappeared, cuss it all t' tarnation. All was silent 'cepp fo' a quiet crunchin' noise. ah shook mah haid an' moved on, as enny fool kin plainly see. I'd heard sto'ies about th' homeless usin' th' roaches as a staple grub supply befo'e but I'd nevah believed them, till thet point ennyway. Right then it didn't matter t'me. It bothers th' hell outta me now though, an' so does th' fack ah jest walked on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Jest shows yo' how much varmints kin change.  
  
A few blocks down an' ah came t'th' Hudson Rivah. A few minutes walk brought me t'a small park ah knows of. It's a li'l outta th' way so it's usually emppy. Safe too. It's kinda like neutral groun' fo' th' street gangs. ah guess even muggers need someplace t'take th' kids t'play ketch. I allus thunk it was one of th' nicess places in th' city. Th' way th' settin' sun sparkled off of th' windows in the tower blocks an' th' juntle gurglin' of th' rivah made it seem like all was right wif th' wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation. Out in th' rivah a body surfaced an' dispelled thet illushun. ah turned away, suddenly cold in a way thet had nothin' t'do wif th' temperature. Outside th' parks intrance ah paused a moment t'light up. Back then ah tended t'chain smoke cheap cigars. A quarter hour's wo'th of walkin' brought me t'th' wo'st part of th' city.  
  
Whuffo'?  
  
ah was livin' in an aban'oned buildin'. Th' remains of an ancient sign earmarked th' buildin' as unsueytable fo' hoomin habitashun. ah allus foun' thet amoosin'. It'd nevah apply to me. Evah. Yo' c'dn't beat th' rent an' eff'n yo' igno'ed the asbestos it warn't so bad, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
I'd almost retched th' dores when ah reckanized ah was bein' follered, cuss it all t' tarnation. Shows whut depressed intryspeckshun'll does to yer survival reflex huh? ah concentrated, cuss it all t' tarnation. Didn't need enny so't of special abilities t'reckanize it was some ran'om gang, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! Four lotsa footsteps. ah smiled an' ducked into yet t'other of the cities mahriad (great wo'd huh? mahriad, cuss it all t' tarnation.) alleys. On impulse I moved into th' shadows an' leaned aginst th' wall, ah reckon. Jest as they were drawin' level ah took a drag on mah cigar, lettin' its glow illuminate me. Cyberpunk. Shet mah mouth! They thunk it made them look daidly. ah thunk they looked like a gunfight at a bondage party. ah shook mah haid. Thet was an image thet was gonna haunt me fo' th' next coupla days. Their leather clothin', blatantly displayed weapons an' heavy piercin' combined t'make it look like someone was havin' a bad day. ah sighed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Eff'n they bothard me they'd find out who an' jest how bad, cuss it all t' tarnation. Thar were five. I'd missed one. ah was gittin' sloppy. Didn't matter though, I still outnumbered them one t'five. ah c'd only stay in the hoomin wo'ld fo' so long an' mah time was almost up. ah decided to lop straight t'th' point.  
  
"Enny reason yer follerin' me?"  
  
Fo' a streetwise gang of killers they sho'nuff were spooked easily. Th' leader prodooced a gun an' leveled it at mah fo'ehaid. A flick of his wrist an' a red dot laser sight ackivated, aimed square between mah eyes. ah didn't move. Mah lack of a reackshun was wo'ryin' him, dawgone it. Finally he announced  
  
"This hyar is our turf o.k. Shet mah mouth!?"  
  
T'other joined in wif  
  
"On account o' it's our turf we gotta colleck taxes ya know? W'dn't do ta let tha place deterio'ate ya know?"  
  
Thet prodooced a chuckle fum th' group an' ah fought th' urge to groan, as enny fool kin plainly see. Evil criminal masterminds they were not. In the darkness, mah smile turned into a definite grin, as enny fool kin plainly see. Th' so't of grin a shark gives t'a divah befo'e sumpin digestive happens. ah made up mah mind an' relaxed, injoyin' th' sense of release as ah resoomd mah real fo'm, dawgone it.  
  
Whut in tarnation'd come outta th' shadows'd pow'ful surprise them, dawgone it.  
  
It'd be, quite accurately, th' surprise of their lives. 


	2. Welcome t'mah wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarn...

Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper two  
  
Welcome t'mah wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
  
  
Disclaimers-  
  
This hyar is a local shop fo' local varmints: ah own only mah copy of evil daid three wif th' alternate endin' an' a three foot mountain of junk grub wrappers whar mah bin used t'be. It moves. ah swar! Fry mah hide! In th' night it moves!...Uh an' all chareeckers 'cept fo' Cal belong t'them nice varmints at Marvel, ah reckon. 'Cepp fo' Megaman, as enny fool kin plainly see. He belongs t'the nice varmints at Naimo.  
  
Oh god! Fry mah hide! They knows whar ah live!: Archive this hyar an' I'll name mah fust born an' raised af'er yo'. Jest tell me about it at some point.  
  
It may become necessary t'say th' wo'd ass at some point: ah's givin' this hyar chapper a PG too, jest t'be safe.  
  
Lost, Alone, Confoozed an' dressed as a pirate: Kinon, as in so far outta whack wif th' real Marvel unyverse yo' c'd only git hyar by bein' fired fum one.  
  
Hey, ah knows how this hyar ends!: Thar may be some spoilers, but they'll be old, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
  
  
  
  
ah woke up th' next mo'nin' feelin' like hell, ah reckon. I'd made mah way back t'th' few not-as-derelick-as-the-rest-of-the-buildin' rooms thet sarved as mah home. Wif a groan ah dragged mahse'f outta th' room I'd been sleepin' in, as enny fool kin plainly see. On a table were the wallets an' weaponry ah had relieved th' gang of. ah warn't feelin' bad on account o' of th' fight, thet had lasted only a few seconds. ah was feelin' terrible on account o' ah AM NOT a mo'nin' varmint. ah idly toyed wif th' idea of killin' ev'ryone in the wo'ld who was but gave it up on account o' it'd haf taken too much effo't. Heh. Right aroun' thet point in mah day, ennythin' thet don't involve a six pack takes too much effo't. ah squatted in front of th' table an' managed af'er about three attempps to mutter  
  
"Need a six pack."  
  
Af'er some serious effo't thet even involved reckonin' at one point ah made th' a six pack. Sumpin warn't right. ah managed to reckon some mo'e. ah reckanized whut th' problem was. ah swo'e loudly. ah doesn't need ennythin' t'he'p me does thet in the mo'nin'. ah had absolutely no beer. Wif a sigh ah settled down fo' a nice long stare at mah empty of beer can.  
  
Hey, it might he'p.  
  
It didn't. Af'er about 15 minutes ah reckanized this.  
  
ah looked on over at mah clock. Shet mah mouth! It read 1:12 pm, dawgone it. ah started swarin' agin. ah had no idea it was so early. Li'l did I knows thet mah day was only gonna git wo'se. ah finally got aroun' t'checkin' th' wallets of th' gang members. Less than fo'ty five dollars between them, dawgone it. Still thet was fo'ty five dollars mo'e than ah had befo'e countin' an' reckonin' about th' fight did make me feel a li'l better. Hey! Fry mah hide! Don't look at me like thet! Fry mah hide! ah's a guy. We hit stuff, we make fire an' we chase wimmen. In about thet o'der. ah was in a corndemned buildin', so fire was out an' fo' obvious reasons ah warn't evah gonna git t'enjoy enny so't of female o' th' opposite sex companionship thet ah w'dn't hafta pay fo' o' dig up fust. Violence it was. Mah (admittedly bizarre) train of thunk was suddenly derailed by a not mighty common in this hyar area noise. Cars. Lots of 'em, dawgone it. An' a truck. Shet mah mouth! Sumpin else too. Sumpin trimenjus. Mechanical, ah reckon. Probably a sentinel, ah reckon. I sighed, cuss it all t' tarnation. It was allus sentinels. ah had a sudden realizashun thet slaughterin' five gang members right outside the buildin' ah was livin' in probably warn't a fine idea. ah took a moment t'pack up whut sparse belongin's ah had an' then run ovah th' fiendishly clevah excape plan I'd come up wif. Run, jump through th' window, fall three sto'ies t'th' street an' run away. Percentage chance of failure? Zero. Absolutely brilliant.  
  
Thar's a reason varmints yell at me when ah try t'plan ennythin'. Kin yo' spot it?  
  
It took all of thirty seven seconds fo' this hyar plan t'fail, ah reckon. Thirty seven, as enny fool kin plainly see. Even fo' one of mah plans it was bad, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' jump through th' window was flawless. An' impressive. Th' three sto'y drop warn't sumpin thet'd bother me. Hell, I'd probably walk away fum a thirty sto'y drop. It was the lan'in' thet all went wrong, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! ah hit th' road, cuss it all t' tarnation. Went through the road, cuss it all t' tarnation. Foun' mahse'f sittin' ass deep in sewer water. ah can reckon on mah feet though. Or mah booty in this hyar case. ah was quickly up an' runnin'. Af'er a couple of miles ah figgerd I c'd stop runnin'. Or at least slow down, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah came t'a Y- interseckshun. One path was purdy much th' same as th' one I was in, as enny fool kin plainly see. thar was whut soun'ed like footsteps a-comin' fum the other. Eff'n thar were varmints down thar mebbe thar was some place ah c'd crash. ah sighed, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah hadn't been a fugitive fo' an hour an' ah was already corntemplatin' livin' in a sewer. Great. ah suddenly had a cravin' fo' nicotine. C'dn't exackly smoke though. Mo'e swarin'. One advantage flatscans. so'ry, hoomins haf thet ah doesn't is lips.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
ah set off agin. Whoevah had been runnin' had stopped, cuss it all t' tarnation. Unfo'tunately thar was definitely th' soun' of fightin' a-comin' fum up ahaid. ah moved into a mo' trimenjus chamber. Thar were six varmints inside, all of them felt like mutants. It looked like five of them were squarin' off aginst th' sixth. Wal, technically thar were six varmints. Three were down, as enny fool kin plainly see. The amount of splatter was a fine indicashun none of them were evah a-gonna git up agin. ah decided t'intervene. To this day ah doesn't knows whuffo'. ah moved towards th' mos' trimenjus varmint. I was assumin' it was a he. Th' guy was huge. Huge wif a capital H an' a mighty trimenjus uge. Nine feet tall, about five acrost at th' sh'ders, a sickly green colo', mooscles like a sock full of footballs an' wo'st of all, covahed in faces. Not marks o' scars o' tattoos thet looked like faces. Acshul faces. Wif movin' eyes. An' mouths. They were all talkin'. Not th' nicess mutant I've evah see. ah was suddenly glad I was usin' mah camouflage abilities. Eff'n ah stan' still ah's almost impostible t'see. ah's jest a transparent swirl in the air when ah move. ah call it th' Chameleon Stin'. Af'er stin' Chameleon fum Megaman X eff'n yo' muss know. ah love thet game. 'Cepp fo' Sigma. I.  
  
Sidetracked agin.  
  
So'ry.  
  
Ennyway. ah was attackin' th' trimenjus mutant face guy. ah threw a punch into th' small of his back. Shet mah mouth! Mah claw cornnecked wif a mighty satisfyin' noise thet eff'n ah had t'dexcribe, I'd say was like a butcher hittin' a side of meat wif a cleavah. Mah camouflage dissipated jest as ev'ry face on his hide let out a howl an' he pitched fo'ward into the. fine I'll call the stuff water. Remember, at th' time ah was in a sewer. ah turned to t'other mutant. This hyar one had o'ange hair an' purple hide. All her limbs were long skimpy tendrils. Odds on thar were poison tipped o' razo' sharp. An' she c'd see me. I didn't menshun thet? Th' Chameleon Stin' only wawks till I take offensive ackshun. Dawgoneed inconvenient at times, virtually daidly at others. Still, other varmints manage t'win fights wifout bein' invisible.  
  
ah tend t'go off on tanjunts doesn't I?  
  
So'ry. Agin.  
  
Th' mutant woomin made an almost elegant gesture towards me an' her fingers extended an' shot out towards me. No "Who is yo'! Fry mah hide!?! Fry mah hide!" Or "Yo'll pay fo' interferin'." Straight t'tryin' t'kill me. Varmints, fine, bad guys ennyway, tend t'like t'shout at attackers befo'e retaliatin'. Peekoolyar but true. ah quickly executed a flip to mah lef', dodgin' her attack an' as she turned t'foller me I retaliated, back flippin' an' ketchin' her unner her chin wif a hoof. She went down in a spray of blood an' teeth. Play th' chareecker indin's an' roll th' credits 'cos this game is on over.  
  
ah suddenly felt a twingi in mah back. Shet mah mouth! A twingi thet developed into a sudden agonizin' bust of pain, as enny fool kin plainly see. Thankfully ah passed out at thet point. I'd fo'gotten about th' sixth varmint. Eff'n I had remembered I'd haf assoomd thet th' varmint'd be thankful fo' mah he'p. Trimenjus mistake.  
  
When varmints talk about how one tiny decishun kin alter the course of someone's life, how choosin' one path on over t'other can completely alter yer destiny ah smile. Fo' me, in thet sewer, it happened literally an' it did indeed change mah life.  
  
An' got me violently stabbed in th' back too. 


	3. Last Trackshun Hero.

Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper Three  
  
Last Trackshun Hero.  
  
  
  
Disclaimers-  
  
"ah jest invented bleedin' t'death through th' nipples! Arrrggghhh.": Jest like th' fine varmints at Celebrity Death match own thet quote th' fine varmints at Marvel own ev'ryone 'cept fo' Cal, ah reckon.  
  
ah can see mah house fum hyar! Fry mah hide!: Yo' wanna archive, feel free. Tell me about it though.  
  
It's not illegal eff'n ah doesn't see it happen! Fry mah hide!: As usual this hyar gits a PG. Rather safe than sued by th' PTA.  
  
"Hey! Fry mah hide! Yo' evah notice thet on page three thirty five his name is Cylops?": So alternate unyverse it gits its own postcode.  
  
"Luke, ah's yer Pappy! Fry mah hide!": Spoilers mebbe, but ancient ones.  
  
  
  
  
  
ah was lyin' on a right purdy, deserted tropical betch. Th' sun was shinin', th' sky was cloudless an' blue, th' sea was calm an' ev'rythin' was wonnerful in th' wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation. Thet warn't right. ah allus avoid th' sun, as enny fool kin plainly see. Mo'e shadows at dawn, dusk an' night time. Easier t'hide.  
  
Meh.  
  
Yessuh, ah said meh.  
  
It's th' vahbal equivalent of th' 'ah doesn't care' shrug, as prackiced by teenagers th' wo'ld on over.  
  
This hyar time it's yer fault ah went off on a tanjunt.  
  
Ennyway, ah decided t'fo'git about it. It was too relaxin' to wo'ry about ennythin'. ah yawned an' stretched out mah arms an' extended mah win's. Or tried to. Mah win's were gone. This warn't wo'ryin' me as much as it sh'd. ah scratched mah haid in cornfushun. Thar was sumpin wrong wif mah arm too. I stared at it fo' a spell an' gave up.  
  
ah closed mah eyes. I'd wawk it out later.  
  
Or not. ah suddenly reckanized whut was wrong. Ah had a han'. Mah claw was gone. ah opened mah eyes agin an' looked down, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah was hoomin. Fully hoomin. Thet warn't right. ah sh'dn't be able to shif' t'mah hoomin fo'm fo' at least two weeks.  
  
Meh.  
  
Mo'e vahbal shruggin'.  
  
Mo'e tanjunts. So'ry. ah pow'ful sh'd try t'stop doin' thet. It muss be pow'ful annoyin'.  
  
ah's doin' it now isn't I?  
  
Ennyway, ah was lyin' on a betch, fully hoomin an' feelin' too relaxed t'care how. ah rolled onto mah back. Shet mah mouth! Thar was a sudden sharp pain, as enny fool kin plainly see. I remember reckonin' sumpin along th' lines of 'Owowowow. It bit me! Th' betch bit me!' Not exackly a logical train of thunk is it? Sumpin was happenin' t'th' sky. It was fallin'. No, thet warn't right. It was slowly lowerin'. An' changin'. Crackin' an' bea- comin' pitted, cuss it all t' tarnation. It resolved itse'f into a ceilin'. Th' sun had changed itse'f into a low watt eleckric light bulb. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. ah closed all mah eyes an' groaned, cuss it all t' tarnation. Most of mah back was in agony. Terrible, nightmarish, bein' made t'lissen t'Britney Spears while warin' a blindfold so ah w'dn't be able t'distrack mahse'f fum th' moosic by lookin' at her ass painful, ah reckon. I managed a low level echo pulse. ah was in a basement. A basement occupied by two varmints. One was me, obviously. The other was.  
  
Whut in tarnation? Echo pulse? It's like when yo' hold yer nose an' blow till yer ears pop.  
  
Is it jest me o' does thet sentence soun' wrong somehow?  
  
Ennyway.  
  
It's kinda like a do'phin's sonar. 'Cept not in water, obviously. An' much mo'e sensitive. An' by th' way, it's yer fault I've gotten off topic.  
  
Agin.  
  
Thar was a sudden noise. Whoevah was in th' room was pacin'. An' mutterin'.  
  
"Whut in tarnation was ah reckonin'! Fry mah hide!...Brin'in' it."  
  
Thar was a pause. Th' voice corntinued, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
"Brin'in' him hyar."  
  
Thet was noo. No had evah not called me an it. Did thet sentence make sense?  
  
"Stoopid upwo'lders hate me.whuffo' sh'd they treat him diffruntly.whuffo' is ah even axin' thet? He's not me.of course they'll treat him wif respeck.they'll be hankerin' t'he'p him, dawgone it.whuffo' did ah he'p him?..."  
  
Th' voice was gittin' angry. Th' pacin' stopped fo' a moment then resoomd, cuss it all t' tarnation. Retched t'other side of th' room an' turned aroun'. ah felt peekoolyarly proud of realizin' thet fack. Guess ah still warn't one hundred percent.  
  
"...No one evah he'ped me."  
  
Th' voice suddenly soun'ed sadder too.  
  
"...no one."  
  
Much sadder.  
  
ah groaned agin. Louder this hyar time. ah wanted t'find out how they (whoevah they were)'d reack eff'n they thunk ah was wakin' up befo'e ah acshully let 'em find out ah was awake. Thet way eff'n thin's were pow'ful bad an' I'd been cappured by th' Friends of Humanity o' th' Society Of Preventin' The Mutants Eatin' Mah Baby o' whutevah I'd haf an extry few seconds of shriekin' an' runnin' away time.  
  
  
  
Stop lookin' at me like thet.  
  
ah's not a coward, cuss it all t' tarnation. Seriously, ah's not. ah jest haf a small issue wif bein' bett up t'death by an angry mob on account o' ah's carryin' unfashionable DNA.  
  
Ennyway, it's like th' old sayin' goes- 'He who shrieks an' runs away lives t'flee t'other day.'  
  
Th' footsteps an' th' mutterin' stopped fo' a second an' then th' varmint hurried outta th' room, dawgone it. ah relaxed a li'l. ah was allus uncomfy aroun' other varmints. ah guess ah still is, sometimes ennyway. ah decided t'wait, see whut happened, cuss it all t' tarnation. They might be careless an' let sumpin useful slip. Thet an' it pow'ful hurt t'move.  
  
Af'er about five minutes th' footsteps returned, cuss it all t' tarnation. Two varmints this time.  
  
"He groaned, cuss it all t' tarnation."  
  
"Is yo' sartin?"  
  
"..."  
  
"Yo' knows this'd be so much simpler eff'n we moved him to th' infirmary?"  
  
"..."  
  
ah remember reckonin' 'Ok, eifer th' fust varmint jest turned into a tellypath o' them were the dawgoned-est expressive silences I've evah heard, cuss it all t' tarnation.' I'd allus thunk ah was th' master of th' disgruntled scowl technique but even wifout openin' mah eyes ah knowed ah was outclassed, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
ah felt someone examine mah back. Shet mah mouth! Serious pain happened, cuss it all t' tarnation. I tensed up. Th' varmint moved back. Shet mah mouth! ah c'd hear th' two of them talkin' but infuriatin'ly ah c'dn't hear whut they were talkin' about. One of th' varmints lef'. Finally t'other spoke.  
  
"ah knows yer awake."  
  
Dammit.  
  
"Eff'n yo' still were unconscious yo''dn't haf flinched, cuss it all t' tarnation."  
  
Time t'face th' moosic.  
  
ah opened mah eyes. 


	4. Th' Nature Of Th' Beast

Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper Four  
  
Th' Nature Of Th' Beast  
  
  
  
Disclaimers-  
  
"Let mah varmints hoof it free!": ah own No one but Cal, ah reckon. Wal not pow'ful, thet'd be slavery. ah leave th' enslavement of pore defenceless superheroes an' heroines t'our evil on overlo'ds at Marvel who own ev'ryone else menshuned, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
"Hey maw! Fry mah hide! ah's onna TV! Fry mah hide! WOOHOO! Fry mah hide!": Yo' doesn't even need mah permisshun t'archive this. Jest tell me were it is.  
  
"Ooh, corntrovahsial! Fry mah hide!": This hyar gits a PG. all mah sto'ies does. W'dn't be hankerin' a small chile t'read a bad wo'd, cuss it all t' tarnation. No one knows whar th' ho'ro''d end, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
"Weird, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' Golden Grahams tasted th' same on th' way down as they did on th' way back up.": Thar may seem t'be corntinuity but thar is not. Hey, thet was prackically Zen! Fry mah hide! How right fine is I?  
  
Thet's yer ho'oscope fo' today: Thar may indeed be spoilers, but they will be mighty old, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
  
  
  
  
Wow. Thet was mah fust thunk. An' mah second, cuss it all t' tarnation. Mah third was 'ah wonner eff'n she's seein' ennyone.' Ev'ryone knows ennythin''s legal in Mexico. It's th' Amerkan way. Mah fourth thunk warn't even legal thar. She was tall, mooscular an' had pink hair. Varmints talk about supermodels wif pow'ful fine bones struckure, but none of 'em evah had ennythin' like she did, cuss it all t' tarnation. Hers was external in some places, fo' a start. Thar was a cress on her fo'ehaid runnin' along her eyebrows an' down th' bridge of her nose wif a spike curvin' upwards fum th' centre, as fine as one curvin' down etch side of her haid framin' her face. She looked like she was warin' an elabo'ate facemax. Her collar bones had grown out an' fused so she looked like she was also warin' a mighty o'nate collar. One her right side three spines were growin' fum her back an' aroun' her sh'der. On her lef' two much mo' trimenjus spikes were protrudin'. Three mo'e spikes were protrudin' fum her fo'earm, dawgone it.  
  
ah mentally shook mahse'f. 'Say sumpin right fine! Fry mah hide! Say sumpin right fine! Fry mah hide!' ah managed a tentative  
  
"Uh. hi?"  
  
'Real right fine. James Bond fears th' day yo' come fo' his job. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker.' 'Dammit brain, reckon of sumpin thet'll impress her o' I'll stab yo' t'death wif a Q-tip.'  
  
She was lookin' at me in a mighty peekoolyar way. ah pow'ful hoped I'd jest thunk about stabbin' mah brain t'death wif a Q- tip an' hadn't acshully said ennythin' out loud, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah wonnered eff'n she'd believe ah was delirious.  
  
"Marrow."  
  
I'll allus remember thet. It was th' fust time she evah spoke t'me.  
  
Wal okay, technically it warn't th' fust time she'd evah spoken t'me. On account o' I'd been fakin' unconsciousness th' fust time an' had mah eyes shet it didn't count. Eff'n yo' doesn't see sumpin it don't count. Ev'ryone knows thet. Mah reply was less than stunnin' though. Jest a li'l.  
  
"Uh... wha?"  
  
Fum her tone, her opinion of me was sinkin' fast.  
  
"Kin yo' even speak? Try sumpin wif syllables. Git fo' Two. Three eff'n yo' feel up t'it."  
  
At thet point she was abusin' sarcasm, dawgone it. ah told her so.  
  
ah managed t'pull mahse'f t'mah feet. ah decided t'be friendly. ah smiled, cuss it all t' tarnation. She eemeejutly dropped into a fightin' stance as fine as grabbin' one of her sh'der spikes an' wif a sickenin' tearin' noise ripped it out. ah knows ah's not th' bess lookin' guy aroun' o' ennythin' but havin' someone try t'pull her skeleton out 'cos ah smiled at her was kind of ego destroyin'. Unfo'tunately she was now holdin' th' spike like a weapon, as enny fool kin plainly see. It looked unpleasantly sharp. ah realised ah was stuck in a basement wif an angry woomin holdin' a mighty nasty lookin' boneswo'd, cuss it all t' tarnation. Situashun bad, gittin' wo'se. Lookin' back though, ah suppose her reackshun was unnerstan'able. ah mean look at me, ah's nine feet tall, ah have two mighty trimenjus win's, mah lef' arm terminates in a claw comprised of three huge talons. Mah lef' fo'earm also comprises a plasma kinnon thet fires outta mah palm, dawgone it.  
  
Between th' talons an' th' gun ah can pow'ful give someone a bitchslap.  
  
Whut in tarnation else? Oh yea. ah also haf a tail, ah reckon. It's prehensile.  
  
An' hooves. They're kinda like a hosses.  
  
ah doesn't exackly haf hide eifer. It's. ah call it bio- armour. It's like part of me, but it ain't. It's tough, light affo'ds amazin' proteckshun aginst kinetic an' inergy attacks but its like gwine through life wrapped in thick cotton wool, ah reckon. Mighty thick cotton wool, ah reckon. ah can barely feel ennythin' at the bess of times. Physical sensashuns is rare fo' me. It's a curse an' a blessin'.  
  
Wal. mo'e of a curse.  
  
A lot mo'e.  
  
ah bar a strikin' resemblance t'a Death Adder. Mah face ennyway. Death Adders is like Rattlesnakes only a hell of a lot meaner. Instead of a few fangs ah have lotsa mighty trimenjus, mighty sharp teeth. Smilin' makes me look like ah's about to chew yer face off. Not exackly reassurin' but th' bess ah can does. Mah only redeemin' feature is thet mah tongue has close t'a five foot retch.  
  
All in all ah look like th' bastard offsprin' of Jaws an' the thin' fum Aliens.  
  
Now kin yo' unnerstan' whuffo' ah avoid crowds? Whuffo' ah avoid ev'ryone? ah live in a wo'ld were varmints is persecuted fo' mutashuns as mino' as diffruntly coloured hide o' hair. Yo' kin imagine how society at large'd reack t'me.  
  
Thet has t'be th' mos' trimenjus this-has-absolutely-nothin'-to-do- wif-the- sto'y tanjunt I've evah gone off on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Most depressin' one too, 'specially towards th' end, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
So'ry.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
ah slowly raised mah han's in a gesture of peace.  
  
She relaxed a li'l. Stood up. Af'er a moments indecishun she turned an' haided towards th' dore. ah c'd sense her internal cornflick about turnin' her back on me. It felt peekoolyar thet some who had jest met me'd trest me outright. It felt peekoolyar thet ennyone'd trest me. ah resolved thet eff'n ah c'd he'p it I w'dn't does ennythin' t'make her regret thet. Finally she spoke.  
  
"Come on, as enny fool kin plainly see. I'll intrydooce yo' t't'others 


	5. We an' ah be Meetin' Th' X-men, as enny ...

Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper Five  
  
We an' ah be Meetin' Th' X-men, as enny fool kin plainly see.  
  
  
  
Disclaimers-  
  
"ah resent thet implicashun! Fry mah hide! Mah chareecker is origeenal! Fry mah hide! How menny Italian plumber superheroes kin yo' reckon of, huh?": Cal's mine. Ev'ryone else belongs t'Marvel, ah reckon. Yo' kin tell they doesn't belong t'me on account o' eff'n they did thar'd be a swimsueyt issue. Still a man kin dream, dawgone it.  
  
"Do yer hankerin' it suh?" "Oh, does yo' suh? Do yer hankerin' it?": Eff'n yer hankerin' t'archive this, ah will build a shrine t'yo' an' wo'ship yo' as a god, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
"Whutevah floats yer boat": PG. As usual, ah reckon.  
  
Zen an' th' art of tempo'al discontinuity: Peekoolyar thin's happen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Reality in a cornvenshunal sense will be igno'ed, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
"ah's too tired t'reckon up ennythin' amoosin'.": Thar may be spoilers. Does ennyone care?  
  
  
  
  
  
Roun' about th' same time ah was meetin' th' X-men fo' the fust time t'other cornvahsashun was takin' place.  
  
No wait.Thet aint right. It was. They were. While this hyar was gwine on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Gimme a second hyar.  
  
ah lived through this hyar stuff. Sevahal times in fack. It still cornfuses th' hell outta me.  
  
Docko' Hank McCoy. AKA Beast. Wal known junius an' all roun' smart guy. I've tried explainin' this hyar stuff t'him figurin' eff'n ennyone c'd unnerstan' it he c'd. He c'dn't. Thet may haf been mah fault. Yo' kin imagine how difficult thet cornvahsashun c'd be, right?  
  
Let me start agin. Th' second cornvahsashun was happenin' at about th' same point ah was meetin' th' X-men fo' th' fust time, but it was happenin' sevahal thousan' years in the future.  
  
Convahjunt timelines o' sumpin. ah's makin' even less sense than usual, ah reckon.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
It went sumpin like this.  
  
"It's ready? Finally? How does th' finished produck compare to th' specificashuns?" "Produck? Try wawk of art. Try th' sin'le greatest masterpiece enny hoomin has evah borne witness to, let alone evah dreamed of creatin'. Death hisse'f will weep fo' the souls of its vickims. Despite th' problems we had acquirin' th' necessary components it is complete, an' t'th' required specificashuns. Nothin' sho't of th' reackivashun of Armageddon armo'ies will be able t'stop it." "An' th' Prototype?" "Th' prototype will not be a problem, dawgone it. Contrary t'popular belief he did not emerge invulnerable. Thar was a period of sevahal years between his annihilashun of th' Cullin' Crew program an' th' point at which his DNA reflex was fust reco'ded, cuss it all t' tarnation. Thet'd be th' puffick time t'attack. Shet mah mouth!" "Th' weaponry?" "Ev'rythin' is ready. Th' Oxyjun Destroyer. Th' To'que cannon, as enny fool kin plainly see. Th' Crisis Engine. Th' Matter Caster. Th' unit's amour is even composed of ND matter. Eff'n it is damaged then it simply graf's fresh material fum outside of exissence. An' it is ready."  
  
ah's not sho'nuff whut th' room they were in at th' time acshully looked like but ah jest gotta take this hyar oppo'tunity t'wax poetic.  
  
(In other wo'ds these next few lines is a completely true sto'y ah jest made up.)  
  
Th' room stretched out into th' darkness below th' catwalk th' two figgers stood on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Th' darkness made it impostible to divine th' true size of th' room, but th' emppiness of it, th' hollerness sucked at th' eyes of th' viewer. This hyar warn't a place fo' varmints. This hyar was an abyss. Eff'n yo' c'd igno'e th' way yer eyes watered yo' might haf glimpsed sumpin. Darker patches movin' in th' blackness, an' wif them an ominous feelin' thet this hyar time th' abyss was ready t'do mo'e than jest stare back. Shet mah mouth! Much mo'e.  
  
Hehe.  
  
How right fine was thet?  
  
Ennyway, back t'mah second favo'ite topic, Me.  
  
Slowly ah made mah way t'th' top of th' stairs, reckonin' desperately t'mahse'f as ah did, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
'Look pathetic! Fry mah hide! Don't make eye corntack. Stutter. Call ev'ryone suh. Flinch a lot.'  
  
Marrow walked into th' room an' ah heard her announce  
  
"This hyar is some mutant guy ah met. He's gonna be stayin' hyar ok?"  
  
ah stepped into th' room in time t'ketch th' looks of amazement an' cornfushun on th' faces of ha'f a dozen mighty surprised varmints sittin' aroun' a bustfast table.  
  
They looked at me.  
  
ah looked at them, dawgone it.  
  
They blinked in amazement.  
  
ah blinked on account o' th' mo'nin' sun was shinin' in mah eyes an' I'd jest reckanized how early it was.  
  
Th' clock on th' wall read five fif'y seven, as enny fool kin plainly see. Five fif'y seven AM.  
  
Yea. Thet's whut ah thunk, too. Apparently thar's been a five AM on Saturday mo'nin's fo' a while now. Makes yo' wonner whut else they're not tellyn' ya, huh?  
  
I'd already fo'gotten ev'rythin' about tryin' t'appear meek an' was tryin' not t'scream sumpin along th' lines of 'whut th' hell is wrong wif yo' varmints! Fry mah hide!?! Fry mah hide! Its five am! Fry mah hide! FIVE AM! Fry mah hide! AND YOU HAVE COFFEE! Fry mah hide! AND ah DON'T! Fry mah hide! AND ah WANT SOME OR CAL GO BUCK BIGGITY BUCKWILD! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide! EAHAHAHHAHHHHAHHAHAHAH! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!'  
  
At thet point mah eyes may haf been rotatin' in diffrunt direckshuns. ah pow'ful is not a mo'nin' varmint.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
A sho't guy dressed as a lumberjack was th' fust t'comment.  
  
"Him, dawgone it. Stayin' hyar. Uh-huh."  
  
It was weird th' way he said it. No infleckshun o' ennythin'. No surprise in th' tone, o' panic o' ennythin'. ah mentally moved him fum catego'y A (Peekoolyarrs) t'catego'y L (Varmints not t'bo'row money fum o' put th' Mac down on their fambly members, o' indeed, annoy in enny way, shape o' fo'm, dawgone it. Evah.) Three metal claws slid fum th' back of etch of his han's.  
  
Situashun bad, gittin' wo'se.  
  
A stunnin' African Amerkan woomin wif pure white hair who had managed t'remain regal an' composed despite th' fack the angry lumberjack guy had done th' claw thin' was next to speak. Shet mah mouth!  
  
"Logan, perhaps we sh'd aller Sareeh an' her. guest to explain themselves befo'e we does sumpin we may later have cuz t'regret."  
  
"She brin's home a B-movie monster an' yer hankerin' t'let her explain? An' not, Y'know, like kill it?"  
  
This hyar fum an Asian teenage gal sittin' at th' table in front of a bowl of cereal so loaded wif sugar it was givin' me cavities jest bein' in th' same room, dawgone it. ah decided right then she was a mutant, an' her power had sumpin t'do wif the ability t'consoom masses of stuff thet is only grub on a technicality.  
  
Th' weirdess lookin' varmint at th' table joined the convahsashun at thet point. He looked like a giant Muppet. Kinda like Animals uncle o' sumpin. An' he was blue.  
  
"On beha'f of them mutants wif mo'e shall we say, unconvenshunal, physiologies may ah take th' oppo'tunity to say Gee, thanks a lot."  
  
He turned t'me an' corntinued  
  
"Please, igno'e our somewhut tackless companion hyar. Please, sit. He'p yo'seff."  
  
He waved an arm acrost th' table. He was offerin' me coffee. ah decided right then an' thar thet eff'n they did let me stay I'd attach mahse'f t'this guy. I'd nevah cornsidered mahse'f plucky yo'ng sidekick material but hell, he was th' provider of caffeine.  
  
ah did menshun it takes me a spell t'git ennythin' resemblin' a no'mal thunk process gwine eff'n ah's up ennytime befo'e lunchtime right?  
  
Ennyway.  
  
ah sat at th' table. ah was finishin' mah third cup when I noticed thet they were starin' at me. Wal, ok. Shet mah mouth! They'd been starin' at me befo'e, an' hadn't acshully stopped, cuss it all t' tarnation. Ennyway. They were still starin' at me, but it had gone fum an 'Am ah pow'ful seein' this?' surprised stare t'a 'Yessuh ah's fairly sartin its eatin' th' crockery' stare.  
  
Its not mah fault ah doesn't haf lips. Its also not mah fault its easier t'eat th' cups full of wonnerful caffeine laced coffee than ennythin' else. Its not like said cups were expensive o' ennythin'.  
  
"Gambit tink yo friend mebbe need a few pointers on bustfast table deco'um huh petit?"  
  
Thet was fum a guy wif red eyes. ah remember ah eemeejutly thunk 'Jersey fella. No doubt about it. Thet accent is fake. Seriously pathetic attempp t'git chicks. Wonner eff'n it wawks?'  
  
All ah gotta does is refer t'mahse'f in th' third varmint an' add th' occashunal fo'eign wo'd, cuss it all t' tarnation. Heh. Yea. It'd be like "Hey, yo' Cal?" An' I'd be like "We an' ah be Cal, ah reckon. Yo' lookin' fo' him Oui non?" Somehow, No. A thousan' times no.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Marrow growled at him, dawgone it. So did I. He corntinued  
  
"Gambit like datcha two git on so fine. Like a house on fire Oui?"  
  
ah looked at him an' smiled, cuss it all t' tarnation. Or at least mah mouth curved up in th' co'ners an' all mah teeth were showin'.  
  
"Evah been in a burnin' buildin' Gato'bait?"  
  
"Don call me Gato'bait. Gambit don tink yo' sh'd be so disrespeckful, ah reckon. C'd be bad fo' a varmint, Unerstan'?"  
  
He'd lef' hisse'f wide open wif thet one. ah c'dn't resist.  
  
"Only th' English bits."  
  
Th' white haired woomin who was tryin' not t'smile interrupped our li'l vahbal sparrin' corntest.  
  
Sareeh, perhaps yo''d like t'intrydooce ev'ryone."  
  
Marrow had he'ped herse'f t'a large piece of mighty unnercooked steak. Shet mah mouth! So unnercooked th' cow probably had no idea it was missin'. She looked up fum her meal an' wif a sigh intrydooced ev'ryone.  
  
Th' Woomin who hadn't said ennythin' an' had jest sat an' watched th' proceedin' wif a mildly amoosed expresshun an' who turned out t'have a Mississippi accent thick inough to float bricks on was Rogue.  
  
Th' mighty regal woomin wif white hair was Sto'm, dawgone it.  
  
Th' hairy munchkin lumberjack claw guy was Wolvahine.  
  
Th' blue guy was Beast.  
  
Th' one who'd called me a B-movie monster was Jubilee.  
  
Th' guy wif th' red eyes who talked about hisse'f in the third varmint was Gambit. I'd kinda guessed thet was his name already.  
  
Jubilee turned t'me an' said  
  
"So like, tell us a li'l about yo'seff o' sumpin."  
  
ah fought down th' urge t'sigh. Up until then thin's had been gwine so fine. 


	6. Makh It So, Numba wun

Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper Six  
  
Make It So, Number One.  
  
  
  
Disclaimers-  
  
Runnin' outta ideas: They still aint mine. One day though. Oh yes. Bikinis. so menny bikinis. Uh. ah mean all featured wifin is the propuhty of Marvel, ah reckon. 'Cepp Cal, ah reckon.  
  
"So all ah gotta does is sign on over mah soul?...hmm, dawgone it. sumpin seems peekoolyar about this...": Want t'archive this? Probably not, but this hyar part is jest to feed mah ego ennyway. Eff'n yo' does wanna archive, jest ax.  
  
"ah doesn't care whut ennyone says, its not real po'n till a plumber named Sven arrives!": PG. As usual, ah reckon.  
  
Regardin' causality: This hyar did fit in t'th' no'mal timeline, but ah came back fum th' future an' told mahse'f t'change it.  
  
"Heed ye th' wo'ds of th' o'acle!" Or doesn't, on account o' enny spoilers will be ancient an'/o' mino' ones.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Yo' bit off his nose! Yo' acshully bit off Magneto's nose! HIS NOSE! FRY MAH HIDE! HIS ACTUAL NOSE AND YOU BIT IT OFF! FRY MAH HIDE!"  
  
Th' last wo'd was squeaked at a pitch so high all th' haids of th' houn'dogs in th' neighbourhood imploded, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wal OK, they didn't, but ah allus put thet part into th' sto'y. He hates it.  
  
By th' by, thet outbust was fum th' teams leader, Ole Scooter Summers, AKA Cyclops.  
  
Ah's gittin' a li'l ahaid of th' continuity of th' sto'y hyar. Ah allus skip t'this part. Th' colour he was turnin' combined wif th' way his voice was gittin' higher an' higher made it one of them special moments. Yo' knows th' ones. Th' ones whar yo' wish yo' had corntrol on over time an' space so yo' c'd lop it out an' keep it in a box unner yer bed an' relive it on over an' on over agin.  
  
Probably don't seem thet funny t'yo' but ah loved it.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Jubilee had axed me t'tell them a li'l about mahse'f. Whut in tarnation happened next was sumpin ah look back on wif amoosement.  
  
Ah panicked, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
Ah claimed ah c'dn't tell them ennythin' about mah past. Thet ah was an amnesiac.  
  
Ev'ryone was silent fo' a moment. They looked at me. Ah looked back. Shet mah mouth!  
  
Wif a triumphant grin Logan held out a han'. Wif various expresshuns of annoyance t'others placed various amounts of money into it. By this hyar point ah was as cornfused as yer.  
  
Apparently they had a bet gwine as t'whut so't of backgroun' th' next varmint t'join th' team'd have. Th' choices were:  
  
Amnesiac (6:1 odds) Someone's clone (5:1odds) Junetically ingineered killin' machine (40:1odds) A mutant wif terrible powers thet kin only be corntrolled in a fashion thet leads t'lifelong tragedy fo' their wielder, eff'n they kin be corntrolled at all (3:1 odds) Anuther member of th' Summers fambly (2:1 odds) Someone wif a terrible past, a fambly full of FOH members an'/o' supervillians (5:1 odds) Someone wifout enny cripplin' mutant powers, evil fambly members o' dark secrets (1,000,000:1 odds)  
  
Thet was not supposed t'happen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Nevah th' less, it had, cuss it all t' tarnation. An' now Jubilee was arguin' wif Logan thet she didn't hafta pay him on account o' account ah had amnesia thet c'd mean ah was repressin' th' fack thet mah past was so terrible an' thet ah had a fambly full of FOH members an' supervillians.  
  
While ah was tryin' t'wawk out whut had jest happened th' convahsashun continued t'swirl aroun' me. It swirled t'th' point whar it was decided ah sh'd be intrydooced t' Professo' Xavier.  
  
Wifout quite bein' aware of how it happened ah foun' mahse'f in a magnificently appointed study. (Magnificently appointed study. Yo' kin tell I've been watchin' Frasier. An' yessuh, ah's aware thet it ain't cornsidered polite o' even no'mal t'admit yo' watch thet show. Eff'n yo' menshun it to ennyone I'll jest use th' FBI defence. 'Deny ev'rythin.')  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Ah was in a study, th' furniture of which cost inough money t'choke a whale. In front of me was an antique desk thet ah later foun' out is even older than Cher. On t'other side of this hyar desk was the dawgoned-est pow'ful tellypath on th' planet. A man who was famed acrost time an' space fo' his wisdom, compasshun an' insight. An' whut did ah do as ah sat acrost fum this man? This hyar lejund in his own time? Did ah ponner how ah c'd perhaps foller in his footsteps, attemppin' t'brin' peace t'others? Did ah set fo' a moment in quiet refleckshun?  
  
No.  
  
ah did not.  
  
ah sat an' tried not t'make Star Trek references.  
  
Honestly.  
  
Th' man looks so much like Jean-Luc Picard it scares me.  
  
We talked, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wal, he talked, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah was distracked by th' light refleckin' off his haid. He polishes it. He has too. One day I'll prove it.  
  
Uhhh...  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Long an' th' sho't of it was thet he agreed t'let me stay an' join the team, dawgone it. Apparently he had decided ah was a fine varmint based solely on the fack thet ah had he'ped Marrow brin' down a group of mutants in a sewer. In return fo' mah bein' on th' team he promised t'use th' resources he had to try an' find out about mah past an' cure th' amnesia ah didn't acshully have.  
  
Free room an' board in a manshun full of extremely attrackive wimmen, wif occashunal battles t'th' death wif supervillians thrown in.  
  
Pareedise, as enny fool kin plainly see.  
  
Ah was soon bein' shown aroun' th' manshun by Logan, as enny fool kin plainly see. Marrow had decided to tag along, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! It became obvious they didn't git along fine. Th' fack thet wifin five minutes he had her pinned t'a wall wif his claws out an' aimed at her stomach while she had a bone knife held point fust aginst his back was a clue.  
  
He politely offered t'put her down like th' rabid animal she was.  
  
She politely offered t'throat him, dawgone it.  
  
ah impolitely shrieked/squealed "whut! Fry mah hide!?! Fry mah hide!" in a high pitched voice.  
  
See whar ah come fum throatin' someone aint exackly a threat.  
  
Th' fack ah completely hoomiliated mahse'f pointin' out an' explainin' this was mo'e than compensated fo' by their expresshuns an' th' looks of pure unimaginable ho'ro' they gave etch other.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Once yo've repressed enny mental pitchers thet last part may haf cuzd I'll corntinue. We moved further into th' manshun an' th' déco' began change fum 'look how much better ah's on account o' ah's richer than yo' into 'whuffo''s th' li'l grey guy wif th' trimenjus haid wavin' thet metal hoobajoob at mah butt fo?.' Place was seriously sci-fi. Th' tour inded in whut was essentially a trimenjus silvah room, dawgone it. I'd haf made a smartassed comment about thet but ah was still bein' haunted by th' throatin' comment. Havin' naked thunks about Marrow Sho'nuff, but Logan? Thet's jest wrong on so menny levels.  
  
"This hyar is th' danger room, dawgone it. It uses some so'ta advanced tech ta junerate holograms."  
  
Logan looked me up an' down befo'e corntinuin'  
  
"We'll be up thar."  
  
He gestured t'an observashun area set high in one wall, ah reckon.  
  
"Time ta see how fine yo' pow'ful are."  
  
They lef'. ah waited, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah waited some mo'e. It had been less than a minute but ah was kinda gittin' all panicky. Whut in tarnation Eff'n ah messed up an' tripped on over mah own hooves o' sumpin? Whut in tarnation eff'n ah hoomiliated mahse'f completely an' Sareeh refused t'evah speak t'me agin? Whuffo' was her opinion suddenly so impo'tant t'me? When had she become Sareeh an' not Marrow? An' whut was thet annoyin' WHOK WHOK noise? An' whuffo' was ah stood thar talkin' t'mahse'f?  
  
Th' answer was surprisin'ly easy t'discovah. Wal th' one about th' WHOK WHOK noise was.  
  
ah's still not sho'nuff about t'others. Especially th' talkin' t'mahse'f one.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Turns out ah was bein' attacked by three guys in FOH (thass friends of hoominity) badges. They were hittin' me wif steel bars.  
  
ah did menshun thet on account o' of th' Bio-armour ah have instead of hide ah cain't acshully fell ennythin' right? A lef' hook into th' face of th' guy on th' right redeco'ated th' wall behind him wif bits of his haid thet were nevah designed t'see daylight, an a right hook t'th' guy on th' lef' an' he was gonna be eatin' his holographic thanksgivin' possum through an equally holographic straw. ah retched out mah claw, grabbed th' last guy's neck an' jerked mah han' t'th' side. He nevah even had time t'realise he was daid befo'e ah dropped his hide.  
  
ah remember reckonin' 'Dawgone but this hyar is realistic' right befo'e th' ninja jumped me. Turns out thet whenevah yo' take out one opponent t'other mo'e pow'ful one appears. Th' ninja lasted an embarrassin'ly long time befo'e he started t'git tired an' ah managed t'conneck wif a swin' thet busted his hip an' shattered his thighbone.  
  
Yo' reckon thet'd take down a ninja right? Wrong, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! One-legged assassins are surprisin'ly agile. Luckily a bone fragment had sevahed an artery so he collapsed befo'e he c'd hoomiliate me too much.  
  
Th' next opponent was a Sentinel, ah reckon. Thet was fun, as enny fool kin plainly see. Th' trick t'killin' Sentinels is t'wait till they begin their intire 'mutant located. Beginnin' primary objeckive' speech. They usually doesn't attack while they're reelin' it off so yo' kin whack 'em easily.  
  
Th' next opponent was a mino' evil minion called Blizzard, cuss it all t' tarnation. He hissed "Now yo' shaaalll feel th' icy chill of blizzzzzzzzzzard! ah was not impressed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Due t'mah admittedly unusual biology mah ah can junerate fairly large amounts of eleckricity on comman'. ah junerated as much as ah c'd an' transmitted it into mah lungs. Suddenly instead of breathin' out a nice cloud of pine fresh scented carbon dioxide ah's breathin' out a ball of superheated plasma. Even through his pow'ful stoopid max ah c'd see his expresshun of surprise.  
  
Wal, ah c'd see it right up t'th' point when his haid vapo'ised, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
Suddenly a seckshun of a city swirled into exissence aroun' me an' Ole Scooter's voice echoed, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
"We've been watchin' fo' a spell an' were all curious as t'exackly how much yo' kin han'le. Wif yer permisshun we're hankerin' t'ackivate one last hologram, dawgone it."  
  
ah was feelin' pow'ful cornfident so ah agreed, cuss it all t' tarnation. An ah waited, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah looked up at the control room, dawgone it. Marrow gestured behind me. Th' pow'ful nasty grin she was warin' didn't inspire me. Ah turned, cuss it all t' tarnation. Thar, floatin' quite calmly sevahal meters in th' air, surroun'ed by a magnetic bubble was Magneto.  
  
Ah had a sudden psychic episode; this hyar was not a-gonna ind fine.  
  
He raised a han' t'chess level an' swepp it t'his lef'. Follerin' the movement was two cars an' a dumpster. All three managed t'hit me. He repeated th' movement sevahal times an' once he was sartin ah was tho'oughly pacified he moved in t'taunt me, as was his villainous wont. (Git outta mah haid Frasier dadburn yo'! Fry mah hide!)  
  
ah muttered sumpin, jest loud inough fo' him t'hear ah had said sumpin. His curiosity piqued he moved in a few feet. ah repeated it. I warn't acshully sayin' ennythin', ah was jest soun'in' like ah was. He moved even closer, an' leaned in towards me. ah grinned an' launched fo'wards.  
  
Th' ress yo' know.  
  
Th' mo'al of this hyar li'l experience? Bitin' off th' nose of someone tougher 'n yo' is a great way of bustin' their corncentrashun an' rennerin' them vulnerable.  
  
ah nevah said ah was a nice varmint. 


	7. In which our hero witnesses th' brutal o...

Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper Seven  
  
In which our hero witnesses th' brutal  
  
oppresshun of his varmints.  
  
  
  
Disclaimers-  
  
Outright denial: This hyar was acshully writ by Kin' Doom's evil twin, Spanky. He's th' one who lives in th' secret unnerwater base an' imvarmintates fine, ol' KD.  
  
Archivin': As allus, be mah guest. But remember, it's fine luck t'buy a fanfic autho' a beer.  
  
Ratin': 90 proof. Some obscenities.  
  
Instruckshuns fo' readin': At ev'ry page, six pack a shot of tequila, ett a bit of salt an' some lemon, as enny fool kin plainly see. Repeat until yo' say, "Dawgone, ah have t'write t'Marvel an' git 'em t'hook up Marrow wif this hyar Kin' Doom guy! Fry mah hide!"  
  
Spoilers: Yessuh, but as usual ah's too lazy as a houn'dog t'say whut they are.  
  
  
  
  
  
Af'er mah amazin' vicko'y on over Magneto in th' danger room an' th' ensueyng leckure fum Ole Scooter about how th' X-men did not bite off varmints's noses evah, even when it c'd turn the tide of a battle ah had retired t'th' basement. I'd been offered one of th' rooms in th' guys win' of th' manshun but ah felt a hell of a lot. not safer, but. Hell ah doesn't know. I jest feel happier unnergroun'. An' in th' dark. An' alone. Crowds freak me out too. An', ah's angstin' now. Jest noticed thet.  
  
Shet mah mouth!  
  
Ennyway, thar ah was lyin' on a mattress thet ah had been provided wif, bein' seriously achin' an' bruised an' junerally in pain, wo'ryin' about th' fack thet due t'an evil magnetism corntrollin' super villain poun'in' a streetlight repeatedly into th' small of mah back ah had two seriously bruised kidneys an''d probably be peein' pink fo' th' fo'eseeable future.  
  
Uhhh.  
  
Ah fo'git whar ah was gwine wif thet particular anecdote.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Cuttin' this hyar part of this hyar long sto'y slightly sho'ter ah fell asleep. Th' soun' of footsteps woke me up. It was Marrow. Fust thin' ah noticed was rather than her no'mal tensed-up- ready-to-kill-someone-at-a- moments-notice walk she was swayin' acrost th' room in a slinky 100% po'n starlet strut. Sumpin was wrong hyar, but she moved on over t'th' mattress an' wif a mighty friendly smile pressed herse'f aginst me an' ah suddenly foun' it mighty hard t'reckon at all, ah reckon. Af'er a few moments of inthusiastically rubbin' herse'f aginst me she looked into mah eyes an' purred  
  
"Wal, isn't yo' a-gonna join in?"  
  
Ah was seriously surprised by this hyar turn of events, an' af'er a few attempps managed t'regain th' powers of speech an' menshun this. She laughed an' axed whuffo' ah c'dn't jest lie back an' injoy. Ah developed a mite fine twitch. Wif a sigh she rolled back an' explained  
  
"This hyar is a dream sequence. Ah's yer subconscious. Look. Shet mah mouth!"  
  
A swarm of wingid monkeys flew past. Ev'rythin' was startin' to make sense. Wal, it made mo'e sense than an attrackive woomin throwin' herse'f at me.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
She corntinued  
  
"Yo' like Marrow doesn't yo'? Yer gonna ack all surprised thet ah said thet an' say sumpin like but I've only known her a few days right? An' then yo'll angst."  
  
Ah nodded mutely.  
  
"Ah knows how these thin's is supposed t'go. Yo'll reckanize yo' hate her, an' she'll reckanize she hates yo', 'cept when yer savin' etch others lives, at which point thar'll be lotsa unresolved sexual tenshun an' then one day some ran'om super villain will shoot at one of yo' an' t'other will dive into th' way, valiantly savin' t'others life at th' cost of his o' her own, an' will survive only long inough to admit they've been in love of th' survivo' all along befo'e diein'. How tragically romannic. Yo' knows whut ah reckon about thet?"  
  
Ah shook mah haid. Mah life was jest one trimenjus surreal drug free acid trip. She started talkin' agin.  
  
"BULLSHIT! Fry mah hide! Its not gonna happen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Yer gonna be nice t'her. Yer gonna lissen t'her. Eventually she may cornsent to acshully start a relashunship wif yo'. Thet'd be a fine thin'. Oh, an' this hyar is fo' thrett upin' t'stab me t'death wif a Q-tip."  
  
ah woke up wif a start. Thet was a weird dream, dawgone it. Ah relaxed an' lay back down on th' bed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Ah c'dn't he'p but wonner  
  
"Whut in tarnation did she mean when she said an' 'this is fo' thrett upin' to stab me wif a Q-tip?'"  
  
Someone next t'me rolled on over, an arm was draped acrost mah chess an' th' mighty naked Wolvahine ah was sharin' th' bed wif axed  
  
"Who said whut about a Q-tip darlin'?"  
  
An' then ah woke up screamin'.  
  
A fambly sized tub of chewable mo'phine stolen fum the infirmary an' ett up wif an ice cream scoop later ah managed to fall asleep agin. Th' next mo'nin' was a weekday an' the manshun was deserted, cuss it all t' tarnation. Apparently ev'ryone had acshul real lives outside of th' team an' th' occashunal skirmish t'the death wif supervillians bent on destroyin'/conquerin' the wo'ld, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wifin an hour ah was so bo'ed ah was seriously contemplatin' chewin' mah own arm off, jest t'see eff'n ah c'd. Ah wan'ered into th' rec room, dawgone it. Ah was cornfronted wif the mos' trimenjus most expensive TV system ah had evah see. Unfo'tunately, it bein' daytime, thar was nothin' but daytime TV.  
  
Wifin fif'een minutes ah was so bo'ed ah was redooced to watchin' Oprah while sittin' on th' couch upside down, as enny fool kin plainly see.  
  
Af'er about ha'f an episode of lesbian transsexual prosteetootes who is addicked t'crack hittin' etch other wif chairs Marrow walked in, as enny fool kin plainly see. She didn't comment, she jest sat on th' couch acrost fum me an' gave me a peekoolyar look. Shet mah mouth! She opened her mouth t'make a comment but ah interrupped, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
"Ah's bo'ed ok? Now quiet. Lesbian hookers on crack. Shet mah mouth!"  
  
Ah gestured vaguely towards th' TV.  
  
"Yer bo'ed so yer sittin' upside down on th' couch? Thet he'ps?"  
  
"Wal, no. But all th' blood does flow t'yer haid an' yo' start hallucinatin'."  
  
"Oh."  
  
All was quiet fo' a spell. She let out a sigh an' moved on over to th' couch. We sat upside down fo' a spell, makin' sarcastic comments about th' problems of all th' guests. Then ah had a mino' psychotic episode whar Rosie O'Donnell's haid floated outta th' TV an' told me t'go out an' kill in her name. Yo' thunk ah was kiddin' about th' blood flow t'the haid/hallucinashuns thin' right?  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Th' minutes stretched into hours. It's a lot less dull than it soun's. To tell th' truth, ah was happy spendin' time wif someone who was ackin' like ah was a regular varmint instead of a giant lizard thin'. It wus. nice.  
  
Stop lookin' at me like thet. ah bet yo've nevah been chased acrost three blocks by a nun wavin' a bible, a bell an' a can'le who's hell bent on exo'cisin' yo', right?  
  
An' yessuh, ah's aware of th' irony of usin' th' wo'ds hell bent to dexcribe a nun, as enny fool kin plainly see.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Eventually t'other one of th' X-men wan'ered in, as enny fool kin plainly see. This hyar was one ah hadn't been intrydooced too. Ah heard him mutter  
  
"Ok. Monster on th' couch. Upside down monster on th' couch. Fine. Jest dan'y. Ah doesn't care. I've spent th' last seven hours filin' other varmints's taxes an' ah's past carin'."  
  
He moved on over t'one of th' trimenjus comfy chairs an' collapsed wif a combinashun 'ah's glad thass on over' sigh an' a 'thank god ah's sat down' groan, as enny fool kin plainly see. He fidgited fo' a spell an' then axed  
  
"Hey Marrow, is yo' watchin' this?"  
  
She turned t'look at me an' axed  
  
"Is we watchin' this?"  
  
Ah shrugged (Thet's acshully a purdy impressive feat eff'n yer upside down an' nine feet tall wif win's) an' answered  
  
"ah's not pow'ful watchin' this."  
  
Ah turned t'face th' guy an' axed whut he wanted t'watch. He was lookin' mighty surprised ah c'd speak. Shet mah mouth! Mah opinion of him plummeted, cuss it all t' tarnation. Ah decided t'give him th' benefit of th' doubt an' lissened as he told us about a mareethon of Anime he had been lookin' fo'ward t'fo' a spell. Japanese animashun. It soun'ed interestin'.  
  
Two hours later, ah was cornsiderin' invadin' Japan an' mah opinion of abacus fella was so low it had moved into a subterranean cavahn next t'th' mole varmints.  
  
Whut in tarnation? Abacus fella? He had muttered sumpin about doin' other varmintss taxes. Ah assoomd he was an accountant. Or he wawked fo' th' mob. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. Postibly both.  
  
Whuffo' was ah so annoyed?  
  
Etch an' ev'ry one of th' movies featured at least one giant monster eifer doin' sumpin disturbin'ly unhygienic to skoogals befo'e bein' blasted t'pieces by some idiot wif bad hair who screamed out th' names of ev'ry one of his attacks an' glowed, o' jest straight out bein' hacked to pieces by a ninja. One of them even looked like me!  
  
Th' monster, not th' skoogal. Thet'd jus be plain weird, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
An' t'other thin'. Eff'n ah evah start glowin' ah's gonna check th' water supply fo' heavy metals. These guys jest seem to reckon it makes them pow'ful.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Ah axed him eff'n he pow'ful injoyed watchin' this hyar stuff. He opened his mouth t'say sumpin when th' chareecker (read: Hentai Tentacle Monster) thet looked like me was sliced in two.  
  
Yo' haf no idea how disturbin' it is t'see an animated vahshun of yo'seff lop in two by a chibified skoogal wif giant eyes, a magic cat an' pow'ful trimenjus hair.  
  
Ah gave abacus fella a mighty nasty look. Shet mah mouth! Thet's sumpin ah's fine at. He lef' mighty quickly. Marrow laughed, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
Jest great. I'd been th' manshun less than a week an' I'd scared one X-man away an' called t'other Gato'bait. 


	8. Angst off th' Hammond Bow! Fry mah hide!...

Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper Eight  
  
Angst off th' Hammond Bow! Fry mah hide! DIVE! Fry mah hide! DIVE! Fry mah hide!  
  
Disclaimers-  
  
Legal thin'y: Th' chareeckers an' situashuns represented wifin is owned by Cal, ah reckon. Argue wif him about this.  
  
Archivin': Ennywhar, ennytime.  
  
Ratin': How'd ah know? ah ain't writ enny mo'e than this.  
  
Timeframe: Hey, th' future, when else?  
  
Spoilers: Hyar's one now! Fry mah hide! "Thar is no spoon, as enny fool kin plainly see."  
  
  
  
  
  
Th' ress of th' day af'er seein' of evil abacus man was spent purdy much barricaded in th' rec room, dawgone it. It was purdy dull, ah reckon. Th' high point was a discusshun on who sh'd be allered t'join th' team, dawgone it. We finally agreed on Jason X, th' freaky cybo'g killin' machine fum the. uh. eifer the Hallereen movies o' th' Friday th' thirteenth movies. ah fo'git which. Thar was also Ash fum Evil Daid an' Duke Nukem, dawgone it. Eff'n yo' doesn't knows who Duke Nukem is then ah pity yo', ah truly does. Th' man is mah hero. We got into a mighty pointless argoomnt af'er thet. Yea, it was thet kind of af'ernoon, as enny fool kin plainly see. Like ah said, purdy dull, ah reckon.  
  
Th' interestin' stuff happened later, af'er we'd all retired t'our rooms. Or th' basement. Wharvah.  
  
I'd had a nightmare. Wal.mo'e of a flashback. Shet mah mouth! ah hate flashbacks. ah c'd remember swirlin' images of a glass corntainer, an' a steel table, an' images of docko's all aroun' me, talkin' o' han'lin' medical instroomnts. Acshully, not so much a flashback as bein' trapped in a swirlin' abyss of nevah indin' soul twistin' to'ment. Eff'n ah even haf a soul, ah reckon.  
  
Thet's not sumpin ah's hankerin' t'talk about right now.  
  
An' ah knows whut yer reckonin'.  
  
Oh look. Shet mah mouth! He was experimented on, as enny fool kin plainly see. How unique. Thet's nevah happened befo'e. Jest t'only th' ress of th' X-men at one time o' t'other.  
  
I'll tell yo' this hyar now; it was a lot wo'se than jest bein' experimented on, as enny fool kin plainly see.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
I'd woken, gaspin' fo' breath, mah sheets tangled in mah claw, swin'in' a punch wif mah other han' at sumpin thet only existed in mah memo'ies ennymo'e.  
  
It took me a moment t'remember were ah was. ah let out a sigh an' lowered mahse'f back down, as enny fool kin plainly see. ah warn't gonna git ennymo'e sleep tonight.  
  
Jest as ah was about t'leave an' eifer prowl th' manshun co'rido's fo' a while o' viset th' danger room an' beat th' hell outta sumpin holographic, Marrow spoke.  
  
"ah knows thet feelin'."  
  
ah was doubtful, t'say th' least. ah menshuned thet. She sno'ted, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
"Whut in tarnation makes yo' reckon yer th' only one who evah had ennythin' bad happen to yo'?"  
  
ah laughed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Started talkin'. ah didn't stop fo' a long time. ah told her ev'rythin'. When ah was finished she returned th' favour. Turns out we both had a lot in common, as enny fool kin plainly see.  
  
Th' next mo'nin' foun' us both sat on th' roof, wrapped in a blanket an' watchin' th' sun rise.  
  
Thar's sumpin reassurin' about watchin' th' sun rise. Watchin' a noo day begin, as enny fool kin plainly see. It's a reminner than no matter how bad yessuhterday was, today kin be diffrunt. Better.  
  
T'other thin' ah was glad about was thet thin's between us hadn't changed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wal, mebbe they had a li'l. Thin's between us had gone fum an I-so't-of- tolerate-yer-presence friendship t'sumpin thet was mo'e like us bein' war buddies.  
  
Jest in case yo' were reckonin' sumpin fine was happenin' t'me an' the two of us were up thar makin' some kind of cornneckshun ah's gonna hoof it right ahaid an' tell yo' whut happens next - ah kinda. fine, I'd been awake all night an'. an'. Wal, ah so'ta dozed off an' fell off of th' roof.  
  
Yup. Yo' heard me.  
  
A full on romannic watchin' th' sunrise moment an' ah passed out through sheer bein' awake all night an' fell off th' roof.  
  
ah also totalled all of Sto'ms roses an' most of Jeans too when ah lan'ed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Sareeh did reckon it was hilarious though so it warn't a total lost though. who is ah kiddin'? ah c'dn't haf embarrassed mahse'f ennymo'e eff'n ah had danced a weird dance warin' a clown sueyt in th' middle of a large group of mutant hatin' monkeys who were all on crack an' armed wif large piles of monkeyturd, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
Tanjunt ahoy! Fry mah hide!  
  
Aint see enny of them fo' a spell, huh?  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Back t'th' plot.  
  
Th' ress of th' week went purdy uneventfully, barrin' menny menny references to whut was bea-comin' known as 'th' war of th' roses' an' menny menny nasty looks fum Jean an' Sto'm, dawgone it. ah tried t'explain ah hadn't done it on purpose but no, ah was livin' wif th' manshuns resident basement monster so ah muss be evil an' ah muss haf done it on purpose. Yea, right. ah assassinate deco'ative bushes all th' time.  
  
By th' by, th' basement monster line was not mine an' yo' nevah EVER heard me say it eifer, right?  
  
Ennyway.  
  
It was Saturday mo'nin' an' ah was happily sittin' on th' couch, eatin' lots of sugar coated cereal in a happy cartoon indooced mental coma when wif a mighty impressive BAMF an' a cloud of su'phur a peekoolyar furry guy wif a tail appeared, cuss it all t' tarnation. It was early an' mah brain was still runnin' about a quarter hour behind current events so ah didn't even reack as he boun'ed on over an' axed  
  
"Yo' muss be Cal, ja? ah's Kurt Wagner an' ah's pleased t'meet yo'."  
  
He grabbed mah claw an' shook it git-up-and-gitously. He noticed mah talons an' smiled befo'e corntinuin'  
  
"Three claws? Perhaps later we kin git togither an' angst about how freakish an' misunnerstood we are, mein Freund?"  
  
He held up a three fingered han' an' ah c'dn't he'p but smile.  
  
"ah was axed t'relay this hyar message- we is all t'gather in th' main hallway. Danke und weg! Fry mah hide!"  
  
(Thet sh'd say 'thanks an' away! Fry mah hide!' It might, acshully. ah's not sho'nuff. Mah accent is terrible. Or it'd be eff'n ah c'd speak German, but ah cain't so ah doesn't. ah can barely speak English sometimes.)  
  
Ennyway, wif thet he perfo'med an exaggerated bow an' wif t'other BAMF tellypo'ted away.  
  
Ah liked th' guy. He was kinda like a furry Errol Flynn, as enny fool kin plainly see.  
  
Af'er quickly finishin' mah cereal ah made mah way t'th' hall, ah reckon. T'others were already thar. ah gave ev'ryone a cheery wave. Gato'bait gave me a nasty look, Logan gave me a slight nod an' Jubilee popped th' bubble she had been blowin'. It felt so nice t'be so popular an' appreesheeated, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
Thet was sarcasm, by th' by.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
ah looked aroun' but ah c'dn't see Marrow. ah axed whar she was an' a mighty disgruntled soun'in' brunette ah hadn't see befo'e said  
  
"Right hyar. Image indoocer."  
  
Apparently thet was all th' explanashun ah was a-gonna git on account o' she eemeejutly returned t'givin' Sto'm mighty nasty looks. T'other regular lookin' guy, eff'n slightly mo' trimenjus an' bulkier than avahage walked on over fum whar he had been talkin' quietly wif Scooter. He muss haf ovahheard on account o' he explained  
  
"Greetin' an' salutashuns, mah armo'ed amigo, tis I, th' bouncin' blue furred Beast. At least ah w'd be, were ah not camouflaged by this illushunary apparel, ably junerated by this hyar li'l wonner of modern technology."  
  
He drew a metal tube fum a pocket an' han'ed it t'me. As ah examined it he continued, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
"Pressin' th' small button on th' side thar an' it will covah yo' in a hologram, dawgone it. Suffice t'say, on account o' ah designed it, it is a mighty cornvincin' hologram, dawgone it."  
  
ah looked up an' suddenly ah c'dn't hear a wo'd he was sayin'. Thar was t'other member of th' X-Men walkin' towards us an' all ah c'd hear was Bon Jovi playin' th' song 'Bad Medicine'. She had a mass of flame red hair an' a stunnin' hourglass figger thet'd probably give her serious back problems in later life. She smiled at me as she passed an' ah's fairly sartin one of mah hearts started spasmin'.  
  
".An' thet is whuffo' when yo' ackivate th' device it will, rather than covahin' yo' in a corncealin' hologram, renner yo' pareelyzed wharupon I will lock yo' in an o'bital satellyte ah have created whar yer only companions will be four robots. Once on this hyar satellyte ah will fo'ce yo' to watch bad movies till ah discovah th' one film thet drives yo' insane. Once ah have foun' this hyar movie ah will inflick it on th' wo'ld, thus destroyin' civilizashun. Enny quesshuns?"  
  
Hank had still been talkin' an' apparently noticed thet he no longer had mah attenshun. He follered mah gaze, muttered sumpin unner his breath thet soun'ed surprisin'ly like 'Oh, not this hyar agin. Honestly, this hyar happens all the time.'  
  
"Yo' need a timeout?"  
  
Marrow had intered th' convahsashun.  
  
She follered mah gaze.  
  
"Who're we lookin' at? Th' redhaid. She was one of th' origeenal team ya know? She gits aroun'. Hell, were probably th' only varmints hyar she hain't slepp wif yet. An' her marriage t'leader man is havin' problems. Yo' sh'd try yer luck. Shet mah mouth! Yo' two'd make a hansum couple."  
  
Hank was not lookin' happy about her comment. Thankfully a scene was avahted on account o' Scooter announced  
  
"Okay varmints, outside an' into th' cars. Less git this hyar show on th' road, cuss it all t' tarnation."  
  
We moved outside an' into th' cars. Wal, ah moved towards a Hummer. It looked like it was th' only thin' thet ah c'd ride in an' not crack both axles.  
  
Befo'e ah got in ah ackivated th' image indoocer. ah discovahed a small problem, dawgone it. ah was about a foot an' a ha'f too tall, ah reckon. While mah legs an' chest were covahed by th' image indoocers field mah haid, win's, tail an' arms were floatin' in midair.  
  
It was weird t'say th' least. Especially mah tail, ah reckon. Tails sh'dn't jest float aroun' like thet.  
  
ah called Scooter on over. His fust reackshun was t'tell me not t'call him Scooter. Then he gave me a weird look. Shet mah mouth! Considerin' he was warin' ruby quartz shades, it was a mighty weird look. Shet mah mouth!  
  
Ah axed eff'n th' image indoocer was pow'ful necessary. He said no. Wif a shrug ah pocketed it an' got into th' vehicle. Af'er much twitchin' an' shif'in' aroun' t'find a posishun thet didn't lop off th' blood flow t'mah tail I finally settled down, as enny fool kin plainly see.  
  
On a side note, mah majo' pet hate is chairs not designed fo' varmints wif tails. ah hate it when mah tail goes numb. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. It allus takes an annoyin'ly long time befo'e th' feelin's come back. Shet mah mouth! Wal, ok. Shet mah mouth! Like I've said befo'e, ah rarely feel ennythin' physical 'cos of mah bio-armo' but ah knows when sumpin's numb an' when it ain't. An' when it ain't, it feels weird, cuss it all t' tarnation. Or don't. Or sumpin. Look, yer jest gonna hafta take mah wo'd fo' it ok?  
  
Uhhh...  
  
Whut in tarnation was ah talkin' about?  
  
Kids, say no t'tanjunts.  
  
Hehe. So'ry.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
ah was sittin' in th' back of th' hoomvee an' ah had jest gotten so'ta comfy. Up front was Abacus, th' annoyin' mutant accountant. ah knowed his name was Billy Bob Drake but ah was still annoyed about th' anime thin'. Hank was drivin'. ah axed whar we were gwine. Given th' amount of plannin' an' th' way Scooter had been ackin', ah was speckin' it t'be a raid on a super villain's base o' sumpin. Instead, ah was told we were a-gonna th' mall, ah reckon. ah w'd haf preferred th' super villains. 


	9. Thin's happen in a mall, ah reckon

Th' Dark Ride Saga - Chapper nine  
  
Thin's happen in a mall, ah reckon.  
  
Disclaimers-  
  
Yet t'other legal thin'y: One of these days, ah will claim I own them, jest t'see whut happens. But not today.  
  
Archivin': Sho'nuff, whuffo' not. ah won't even ax fo' a tall, cold one in exchange. I'll jest set har an' look appealin'.  
  
Ratin': Good quesshun.  
  
Time frame: Wal, so't of aroun' now, eff'n yo' git th' comics in Englan'. Mebbe. Yo' knows how fanfic is.  
  
Spoilers: Did ah make th' star wars crack yet? Howsabout a matrix reference? Eff'n ah ain't then probably.  
  
  
  
  
  
ah looked aroun'. Th' mall was, fine it was a mall, ah reckon. A trimenjus stone buildin' full of th' happy soun's, sights an' smells of capitalism, dawgone it. We wasn't even inside an' ah was hyperventilatin'.  
  
ah HATE CROWDS.  
  
Jest in case thet warn't clear inough  
  
AH HATE CROWDS.  
  
Ahem, dawgone it.  
  
So'ry.  
  
Like I've said befo'e, they freak me out. Varmints starin', pointin', runnin' away screamin' in fear, fo'min' lynch mobs, th' usual, ah reckon.  
  
Thet kinda thin' has a serious impack on th' se'f cornfidence of even th' greasiess of used car salesmen, let alone a no'mal mutant.  
  
ah looked aroun'. Th' placed didn't look like ennythin' special but fum th' way Hank an' Abacus had been talkin' on the drive up hyar it seemed like it had special significance fo' them, dawgone it.  
  
Billy Bob as a goomba slacker mallrat sho'nuff, but Hank? Thet I cannot even begin t'imagine. It's like tryin' t'pitcher yer granny naked, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' image is jest.wrong, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! Mighty, mighty wrong, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! An' eff'n it seems like ah idolize Hank, ah do. He's a wo'ld famous scientist, fo'mer avenger an' fully capable of pullin' someone's arms off wif his feet. Plus whenevah he's aroun' he makes me look slightly less huge an' evil giant Tokyo destroyin' lizard like by comparison, as enny fool kin plainly see. Or sumpin. Yo' reckon ah soun' pathetic now, yo' sh'd haf heard th' convahsashun on th' way up.  
  
"Yessuh Dr. McCoy." "Really Docko' McCoy?" "Wow. ah had no idea." "No Docko' McCoy."  
  
ah was jest agreein' wif ev'rythin' he said, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
Total fawnin'.  
  
Wal, okay ah warn't callin' him Docko' McCoy. Ev'ry time I did thet he interrupped by shoutin'  
  
"He's daid, Jim! Fry mah hide!"  
  
He's smart, fine ejoocayted, right fine, calm, collecked, cornfident, charismatic an' probably a lot of other wo'ds beginnin' wif c. He's ev'rythin' ah's hankerin' t'be.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
ah looked aroun' th' entrance. I'd been stood thar fo' a coupla minutes at least an' t'mah surprise ah c'dn't see a lynch mob fo'min' o' ennythin'. ah was gittin' a few odd looks fum nearby varmints but th' looks were curiosity, not hatred, cuss it all t' tarnation. Still, crowds equal bad, cuss it all t' tarnation. T'others were dispersin', wan'erin' off t'their favo'ite sto'es. Ole Scooter took a moment to remind ev'ryone of our schedule an' walked off, leavin' me an' Marrow. ah took a deep breathe. She gave me a look an' axed eff'n ah was okay. ah muttered sumpin along th' lines of 'I'll survive.' An' t'mah total surprise, she slipped her han' into mine, looked up at me an' said  
  
"Eff'n yo' menshun this hyar to ennyone, EVER, ah will kill yo' in a way so nasty whoevah finds yer hide will be scarred fo' life."  
  
Aside fum th' threat ah thunk it was a mighty sweet gesture. An' an oddly reassurin' one. ah felt a lot better. ah warn't a-gonna tell her thet though. Thar's only one of me aroun', an' ah owe it t'th' unyverse t'keep me aroun' fo' as long as postible, preferably avoidin' enny so't of violent stabbin' along th' way.  
  
We walked off into th' mall, ah reckon. On account o' I'd intered th' insteetoote wif a ha'f emppy duffel bag an' th' clo'es on mah back as mah only postesshuns ah needed purdy much one of ev'rythin'. Scooter had han'ed me a platinum credit card, cuss it all t' tarnation. Apparently Professo' Picard had told him t'give it t'me so ah c'd pick up a few essentials. ah was as surprised as yer. I mean, a platinum card, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah have no idea whut th' limit is on thet but ah git th' feelin' ah c'd buy a twelve thousan' dollar appendix transplant an' not git close t'it.  
  
Did ah jest refer t'Professo' Xavier as Professo' Picard? I did didn't I? It's thet star trek thin' agin. ah cannot believe ah's th' only one who sees thet.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Books were purchased, as were menny obscure movies fum a shop called Stomp Tokyo. ah love obscure movies. An' bad movies. An' obscure bad movies. One of th' two high points of the trip was findin' a shop thet stocked mah favo'ite bran' of a coffee 'Chichen Itza'. Grown deep in th' jungles of south South Car'lina by th' inmates of a paful omnus lookin' insane asylum, it is mighty, mighty strong.  
  
Eff'n ah's in an evil mood I'll give it t'th' unsuspeckin' an' laugh as they drink it, hoof it insane an' thrash wildly as they try to stop th' trimenjus blue wasps fum flyin' up their nose an' takin' on over their brains.  
  
Th' second high point of th' trip happened a li'l af'er I'd jest finished buyin' th' entire shops supply of Chichen Itza bran' a coffee. ah was jugglin' them bags, t'other bags of stuff I'd bought plus a huge pile of junk grub Sareeh had threst into mah arms when she stopped suddenly.  
  
Eff'n ah nevah menshuned it befo'e, she has a serious sweet tooth. Acco'din' t'her she jest injoys grub thass supposed to be sweet by design, not on account o' it's decayin'.  
  
Thet's whut growin' up in a pareellel unyverse'l does to yer outlook on life, ah suppose.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
We were still holdin' han's so only wif a lot of comical win' flappin' did ah not fall on over.  
  
Figgerin' about thet, ah's cornfused, cuss it all t' tarnation. I've got a fine three feet straight up on her, as fine as sevahal hundred poun's, yet I was th' one who almost fell on over.  
  
Weird huh?  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Sareeh announced we had an audience. Af'er managin' to rearrange th' pile of shoppin' bags inough so thet ah c'd look on over them ah noticed ah was bein' stared at by a small chile. ah stared, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' chile stared back. Shet mah mouth! Finally af'er whut looked like a lot of mental effo't on th' kids part she decided t'ax  
  
"Is yo' a giant?"  
  
Befo'e ah c'd reply, Sareeh knelt down an' axed  
  
"Is yo' a dwarf?"  
  
Th' kid who ah was fairly sartin by now was a gal (She was dressed like a chareecker fum Pokemon, as enny fool kin plainly see. It was hard t'tell ok?) giggled an' shook her haid.  
  
"He muss be a giant then, as enny fool kin plainly see."  
  
Th' kid giggled agin an' Sareeh smiled, cuss it all t' tarnation. Turns out she's fine wif kids. Who knowed?  
  
Wif a cry of 'thar yer! Fry mah hide!' a mighty hareessed lookin' woomin ran on over an' picked th' kid up. She looked up an' noticed me an' her eyes widened, cuss it all t' tarnation.  
  
"She warn't botherin' yo' was she?"  
  
ah assured th' woomin th' kid warn't botherin' us. She looked like she was about t'say sumpin t'th' kid when she paused, looked me up an' down an' axed eff'n ah was a mutant. I didn't bother t'deny it. Somehow varmints kin tell ah's not hoomin jest by lookin' at me. Whut in tarnation happened next was mighty surprisin'.  
  
Is it me o' does ah tend t'dexcribe thin's as mighty surprisin' a lot?  
  
Meh. Probably jest me. Off wif th' tanjunt an' on wif th' sto'y. Or sumpin. Ennyway.  
  
She explained thet she was a skoo marm at a local skoo an' thet she was arrangin' an event whar varmints fum diffrunt mino'ity groups were bein' invited t'talk in front of the skoo, t'promote racial tolerance. Th' one group she hadn't been able t'find a representative fum was mutants. She finished her explanashun an' gave me a hopeful look. Shet mah mouth! It took me a moment t'reckanize thet she was hopin' ah w'd volunteer.  
  
Thet was mighty surprisin'.  
  
ah do dexcribe thin's as mighty surprisin', an' ah do it a lot. Not sho'nuff whuffo' ah felt th' urge t'point this hyar out though.  
  
Ennyway.  
  
Sareeh pulled me t'one side an' said  
  
"ah reckon yo' sh'd does this. Yo' c'd pow'ful does sumpin fine hyar."  
  
ah looked skeppical, ah reckon. She looked mildly annoyed, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah reckanized her look. Shet mah mouth! It said 'I am th' woomin hyar, an' ah will injoy makin' yer life hell eff'n ah doesn't git mah way.'  
  
ah nevah stood a chance. As we walked away a thunk struck me. Whuffo' was ah doin' this hyar an' not Sareeh? 


End file.
